Friday, 12 February 2010 13:09 Last Updated on Thursday, 01 April 2010 11:26 Written by Dawn Kelly

“Drink plenty”, that’s what he therapist said when I booked my first ever body wrap. “Weight loss after a wrap is generally due to water loss so it’s important to drink plenty before and after your wrap to avoid dehydration”, she went on.

Drink plenty! I’d managed to consume no less than four pints, which isn’t bad going for someone who doesn’t like water.

I wasn’t sure what to expect but as it was my 32nd birthday treat to myself, it didn’t matter; I was looking forward to a couple of hours of relaxation and leaving the beauty salon no less than a few inches thinner.

 So off I went to the salon and was met by Jordan, my therapist for the day. And yes, I know what you’re thinking – big tits – and to be honest she did look like a blonde version of Katie Price. Anyway, Jordan talked through the treatment then asked me to go behind a screen and strip down to my bra and knickers. Then, she measured me at various points: Waist, hips, boobs and so on before gently applying hot clay over my entire body. The warmth from the clay felt lovely; I was beginning to feel a little bit more relaxed about the whole thing – until along came the bandages. 

I was wrapped from ankle to neck in bandages, and I’ve got to say a little tighter than I expected, but Jordan assured me the tightness helps draw out the impurities in my body. Now, imagine an Egyptian mummy and you’re beginning to get the right idea. Next, I was told to put on this ridiculous plastic suit, socks and a cap. What the hell, I thought, I look like a mummy in an astronaut suit but in a couple of hours my bits will be looking a bit more like Jordan’s and I’ll be super slim too.

 

Jordan helped me onto the toning table, explaining that the gentle exercise helps to heat up the clay. I’d been drinking water all day as part of the detox and lo and behold I was dying for the toilet almost as soon as I got on. So I called Jordan over to tell her I needed the loo. She stared at me in disbelief and muttered, “but we don’t usually get people asking for the toilet when they’ve got the body wrap on.” My ‘tell me where it is or I’ll pee myself right here’ look jilted her back to reality and she quickly pointed to the sign on the wall. 

After being helped off the  table I waddled off in the direction of the sign which was pointing upstairs! I felt like Douglas Bader trying to tackle the ascent but somehow managed to reach the top and make it into the toilet.

 

Not having a degree in logistics I thought for a moment then set about rolling the wet suit down to my knees. Obviously I couldn’t bend my legs so I gently lowered myself over the toilet. Unfortunately for me, ‘gentle’ and ‘lowering’ don’t really  go together, I was more like an elephant crashing down. Just then the toilet seat swivelled and I suddenly heard this crash as the toilet seat came away. We are talking about desperate measures now, so undeterred I pulled the bandages and pants to one side... and pee’d.  Relieved, I quietly repositioned the toilet seat very carefully and headed downstairs. The next person to use the loo was in for a nasty surprise. Once again I was helped onto the toning table and spent the next hour doing more of those stupid exercises. Every now and again I was moved on to the next table, the whole thing resembling no more than an uncomfortable workout. 

By now my expectations of a relaxing body wrap had all but disappeared into an embarrassing and stressful hour until I was finally released from my space suit, dried off and measured again. Jordan, of course, swore blind that I had lost an inch, and even an inch-and-a-half in some places, but my clothes told a different story. I expected to put them back on and they would be dropping off me, but honestly they were tighter. Either the tape measure was lying or my clothes were!

Feeling stressed and fatter what did I do? Paid the £45 and thanked Jordan very much.

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